Wednesday, November 5, 2014

The Watch Dealer

Around 2008, my watch broke. A good watch is one of the first things to buy when arriving in adulthood, those days when you could finally afford things like a car with leather seats and a decent wardrobe. In my late 20s, I was a delicate mixture of young and old, seeking something stable, seeking belonging.\ I’ve always been fascinated with watches. A few times I might have fallen in love with the wearer of a good one, longing for the inner structure and beauty of mind they most certainly possessed. The watch fanatic. It’s most often the mark of successful people: Omega, BVLGARI, Piaget – etc. This watch dangling from my wrist was a symbol of exactly how far I’d come. I’d often look down while driving and think with deep self-concern, you’ve come a long way. I had, really. I’d worked hard enough not to have “imposter syndrome” and learned to let go of the what-ifs that plague someone wishing for a more privileged upbringing. Where was my 100K education? Well, it obviously didn’t matter anymore. In those years I wasn’t alone; we had a cohort of respective watches, leather seats, and the sunroof. We were collective and young with very short historical memories—it was a period of time where we’d crafted up an alternative reality for ourselves, buoyant with rising real estate prices and bullish investments. Was I part of that? I was in the periphery as an eager apprentice.

Chicago was in reverse of itself, with growth and parties overlooking the skyline with instant promise. Everyone had a little bit more than they needed – and we were happy, happy – accruing ideas and things, while climbing on to the next great height.

It was time to own watches. However, you know how the story ends.
We were all idiots.

You and I share time itself. It exists in our collective imagination, and for many of us, our very nature defies it. In my own syncopation of sunrise and sunset -- the watch was an effort to organize my own inner disorder. Without a watch, a simple errand to the grocery store for a baking pumpkin could progress (quickly and without warning) into an unplanned search for a Wisconsin pumpkin patch that lands me miles and hours away. And the result would be zero pie. I was not born with an inner sense of time like the lovely watch-wearers. Watch-wearers were archaic and disciplined. The young no longer wear watches, but I was an apprentice. So as an adult I began to collect these watch faces—on walls and desktops, draped on my wrist. Blame our upbringing borne from the 60s for so desperately wanting a watch. We lived where existence is just a fluid experience taught to us as children—by bookshelves lined with the French; blame it perhaps on Camus or Sartre. Really there is no watch. Just collective madness.

Sometimes a watch is our only line back to the others, so I made sure I had a good one, the eager apprentice I was.  

And then one day the watch broke. I don’t know. The clasp – then it stopped ticking.

But we were all idiots by then, so there was no reason to replace the watch. It was 2008 and I’d squandered a large sum of money, made several poor career choices, and was upside down in real estate. And in those years I wasn’t alone either. We were collective and slightly older, having learned what kind of momentum defines the impact of a crash. We were all broken in it, and I was one of the luckier ones. In the end I lived in thin-walled granite countertop condo, still had a car with leather seats, and a pretty darned OK career.

I wasn’t a watch person anymore. Deeply depressed, I threw it into an old cigar box along with loose buttons and safety pins—with some vague goal to have it fixed one day. When I deserved it again. When I was a watch person again.

And there in the cigar box it’s sat amongst the buttons for 7 years.

No worries because I wasn’t depressed that entire time. In fact, I was happy with the new regime after 2008, once the dust had settled. There was a newly-born alternative reality for us to share, with more pot luck. We focused strongly on friends, settling down in healthy relationships, and volunteerism. The parties were different. One time I bowled three strikes in a row! I would have never bowled so well before. I had business experiences that maybe happen once in a lifetime, but I barely noticed. It was intermixed with things like adult music lessons, summer fireworks, and long talks over coffee.

Lately, I had been thinking about the watch. Perhaps I should open the box? Watch, this symbol that stopped ticking so long ago. The watch with the too-tight band and the thin ghost of sadness surrounding it. I opened the box quickly and slipped it into my purse, heading downtown to the jewelry department. There I brought it limply to the counter of the watch dealer. To the very brightly lit glass case where I first purchased it.

Can I have my metaphor fixed?
I’m in a permanent state of suspension. I come to you weak.

There is talk of how old the piece is, and how the watch-making companies changed hands during the great crash that perhaps broke us all. The watch dealer is no ordinary department store representative. He is intelligent and lively, giving me immediate access to a vast knowledge of the industry of watches. He knows watches. Before long, I’m entrenched in the story of how watch companies failed and merged over the past 7 years.

And really, not many people keep a watch these days. His job has become serving the sentimental. Through a great strike of luck for me, the watch dealer had once worked for the very company that made my watch. But alas he was laid off in the great crash by the watch company’s new owner. It was the best job I ever had, he said. And then it was gone.   

Well, we all broke together then.

There was talk of a warranty that before 2008 would have lasted 10 years. But that was before 2008. Now, the warranty was only two years! Bitter greed and money runners. There was a sharing of respective stories. There was talk of a secret code that would let the system return and exchange, perhaps. Perhaps you would understand how this all works.  Perhaps you are someone who has been there?

Perhaps you deserve a brand new watch.
I nodded. Yes, I’ve been there.

And so the story ends there. There was more negotiation, but the sentiment is the same. A new watch is ticking and on my wrist. Like the great prophet of the 20th century once said – you can’t always get what you want. Sometimes though, you get what you need.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Advertising using surgery reels, your local Comcast harasser, probably predicted by some part of Infinite Jest, or why everyone in business needs a humanities degree.

This is for my English-Sociology professor friends, the communications people, the social marketing gurus, and importantly the people writing the copy and designing treatments. We all have the same DNA, at the very foundation.

From the 1960s – 90s, we read all these foundational works predicting the eventual trainwreck that would be the commercialization of everything; here I’m thinking of the personal loathing and joy of our own media and advertising culture, bracketed by art and academics in media and communication studies, film and feminist readings, dissecting magazine articles and images, the Neil Postmans of the 80s, the panicked livewire inside the brain of fiction writers like Donald Barthelme, the seeping fear that we’ll all become 1984. 

You know, the entire 4 decades of work that culminated in whatever is going on in Mad Men, which has dubious artistic aims, other than American culture is really, really, really bad for us—but we just can’t look away. We can’t. And isn't that awful? It’s awful, right? Yes?

Now that I've stepped far too backward for any of our good, the disturbing advertising is finally here. Remember when we predicted it would escalate to the point where commercials are just painful to watch, that businesses would be wrangling and physical (the recent Comcast debacle where a customer was outright harassed for cancelling their contract, because that's how they are trained; a la David Foster Wallace), because the sexiness and ease of product marketing would no longer be enough (Apple; Daniel Harris). 

Media and marketing people would move to this, as a last desperation to get attention. We’d grab potential customers on the street and say, “Come with me, or else.” We'd be so desensitized to regular advertising, images would need to escalate. They might turn our stomachs or need to be painfully emotional for us to buy something. 

I've been looking for this; I've been wise to it. All my formal education has been in the Humanities—the MBA part gleaned from reading everything in sight about corporate finance and decent networking. Am I a hack? I’m not a hack. I don’t know hacks. So I know them when I see them. 

It started simply enough, with a common B2B query asking me if I would like to do business with this agency. 


From: Kevin Muffley [] 
Sent: Thursday, June 26, 2014 5:54 AM
To: Hedgepeth, Kathryn
Subject: Who can I speak with at your company about...?

Hey Kathryn,
I'm looking to speak with the person in charge of the management/direction of your company's marketing campaigns. Can you help direct me to the person I can ask my questions to?

See some of the things we do, some of the clients we've worked for, and some of our recent work.

Kevin Muffley
Business Development Manager
F A T • A T O M
12 W. Main St | Carmel, IN 46032
(c) 317-614-5438 |

Seriously, respond to my email telling me to go away and I will.


I’m a busy woman. I have over 500 LinkedIn connections now! I have a weekend software startup and a weekday corporate job. I have some great agencies in my back pocket, already. I wouldn't do business with a new agency unless we met casually at a friend’s dinner party and we could talk particle accelerators and which McKinsey study they just got finished reading. 

But because I own a big stake in a software company in Indy which is near Carmel, and hey who knows – I watch this business development guy’s web site. 

If you watch the demo reel closely, you’re going to notice that spliced between the samples of client work… are flashes of footage of actual human surgery. With flesh, and needles, and people’s faces in masks.  Of course there’s a clever metaphor there about the importance of agency work. It's like surgery. Ha ha! I get it. 

I didn’t respond. So it’s no surprise when the next email came from Kevin.


From: Kevin Muffley [] 
Sent: Thursday, July 10, 2014 5:47 AM
To: Hedgepeth, Kathryn
Subject: You are hard to get a hold of!

Hey Kathryn,

I've tried reaching out to you a couple of times and have yet to hear back. Either you're very hard to reach via email or you're crossing your fingers hoping I'll go away. Sadly, for both of us, I have been given the task of finding the person in charge of marketing decisions at your company.
I don't like this anymore than you, but it would be beyond helpful if you would point me in the right direction, or at least respond to me telling me to go away. (Yes, you will hurt my feelings, but my Dad says I should be a big boy and get over it.)

See some of the things we do, some of the clients we've worked for, and some of our recent work.

Kevin Muffley
Business Development Manager
F A T • A T O M
12 W. Main St | Carmel, IN 46032
(c) 317-614-5438 |

Seriously, respond to my email telling me to go away and I will.


It’s guilt! And boorishness. And begging. And in-your-face hipster-music surgery voice. He wants to get a rise out of me. 

We've been told this would happen. At some point, the only way to get at someone’s pocketbook is to simply steal the pocketbook boldly. With surgeries and dental exams and headaches where your brain explodes, spliced with shots of Excedrin to the rescue. At least this is what Infinite Jest taught me, and I've been looking for it ever since. 

So, I don’t react – I say nothing. You know, because I’m wise to this kind of selling and at some point you can just get a restraining order against Excedrin commercials. 

And then of course another email came this morning. 

From: Kevin Muffley [] 
Sent: Thursday, July 17, 2014 6:06 AM
To: Hedgepeth, Kathryn
Subject: I can't take a hint


A fourth email to you might be overdoing it. You may be thinking, "Kevin, you emailed me three times and I haven't responded, can't you take a hint?" 
Well no, I can't.
So please help me out by responding to this email letting me know who the big boss is. The decision maker, heart breaker, or dream maker at your company who is responsible for making the all important marketing decisions. If I have to go to my boss one more time and tell him I couldn't find out, it could be really bad! (yeah, this bad)
At this point I would even love an email from you that says, "Kevin, we don't need no stinkin' marketing, leave me alone." Anything is better than being ignored.
--> Insert scene from blazing saddles <--

See some of the things we do, some of the clients we've worked for, and some of our recent work.

Kevin Muffley
Business Development Manager
F A T • A T O M
12 W. Main St | Carmel, IN 46032
(c) 317-614-5438 |

Seriously, respond to my email telling me to go away and I will.

Sorry, that’s pretty base – just like surgery footage - and I’m wise to it. I've been waiting for this all along. 

It’s a shame that businesses feel the need to go this way; perhaps they’re pressured to finally be as edgy as possible to stay afloat. 

The important thing is that I don’t have to hire them. I can make a choice whether or not we have Excedrin commercials with exploding heads, or if we sell away the year 2020 to a sponsor company that may or may not be Depends undergarments, and keep us from a digital world of watchfulness that looks a whole lot like 1984. 

I can choose not to do business with the edgy surgery footage people who send abrupt emails. And so can you. 

And this is why everyone in business should get a humanities degree first, and I’m so glad most people I know in advertising and marketing have. 

Sunday, April 6, 2014

In The Trenches At Mariano's

First, I want to let you know that your staff is wonderful. Your Yelp reviews ring true on a continuum of "just-fine-average", mostly above average, and exemplary about your service, quality, and value. Cakes and pastry are the seduction of my trips, for which I thank you.

The giant wart on your store though, echoing subliminally behind the words of the Yelp reviewers, are your own customers. Whatever store design, parking lot design, inside workflow and layout you chose - absolutely ensures that not only have you attracted the city's most price-conscious, yet spoiled demographic; but they're absolutely pissed from the minute they pull off Western and go to park, proceed to barrel through your store with no excuses, only to forget why they tore into the battle in the first place, stopping halfway through in aimless wreckage near the back of the store, all the while eating free $18.99/lb cheese cube samples. Perhaps this is why they came to begin with.

It's a bad crowd.
A real bad crowd.

I've had better crowd experiences at State Fairs. Think outdoor festivals with drunk 38 Special fans, when the concessions ran low on beer. No roughneck would reach over me for the best melon, bump my shoulder for a colorful Easter pastry. Mariano's, you might have temporarily won the marketing contest out here in Chicago groceryland, but you now have a problem on your hands. Congratulations on tapping into the market with generally high expectations for service, problems with paying full price for those expectations, and the constant temptation to use their BMWs as weapons in parking lots. You differentiate and win with service.  But don't forget that part of the service experience is the presence of all guests at once in the store. Those are the people who really create the environment, your kind staff could only double-team them if you raised your prices,  those base meanies who make me turn around and go back to Whole Foods, or miss ol' Fox and Obel, oh missing it - and gladly choosing to pay double for the real experience of some old fashioned -Please and Thank You-.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Streamers and Hats

Have you ever given advice to someone then immediately known you were standing in some double-mirror, really speaking to yourself?

I was on a project close call with a client last week when it happened. The project was for the Arts & Business Council of Chicago, where I'm a volunteer business consultant for arts organizations. For the better part of 7 months we've worked on a marketing and communications plan for an international academic journal, focused on the print arts. The staff consists of sharp alums and faculty at a well-respected art school. It’s been one of the best Mar/Com projects I’ve ever worked on, and I’m grateful to have had the experience of helping a great publication on its path to growth.

But I didn’t celebrate – I never do.

They had to remind me we should pop some champagne. Yet to me it’s so endless - I’ve been involved in strategic communications so long, I feel as if I live 18 months into the future at all times. I’m so used to typing the year '2014'  that '2013' is a past number. It already seems so foreign and far away.

2015 feels comfortable already. 2016 feels like we could make a few mistakes (and we will) that could still be corrected by then. I'm still not sure how to fit in a baby on the Outlook calendar. Time is ticking on and life is so incredibly beautiful and short.

I have a secret. For 10 years I've carried a Moleskine notebook with me, with a month and year written in the top margin of each page. It spans out hundreds of months ahead. In some ways, I think far more than 18 months ahead.

I’m impatient. Unbelievably impatient; the kind of temperament that is both the gift and curse. The minute I arrive I’m considering the next mapped locale, the finer details of the journey there, the next mile marker and then the next subsequent arrival.

So driven, so focused on the next step. An ascension on our way to perfection.

Which means, as an aside, that my new hour-long commute is a colossal waste of my time. But it's currently the cost I’m paying to work with great people at a company I enjoy. The reverse commute at 5 PM from the Edens spur down I-94 and into the city is a soul-crushing experience of "waiting." There is no movement to the next destination; it’s simply waiting with an engine that’s used to kicking fast in a slow, idle crawl. For people who’ve never had supercommutes, it’s hard to explain it’s quite literally bumper-to-bumper for miles upon miles. At some point, NPR just begins to repeat stories and you’ll recite them later to your boyfriend word-for-word, and he never needs to read the news again. 

I'm edgy. It's dangerous. I'm into several 24-hour lecture series from The Great Courses and the narrative pace of professors keeps me from illegally riding the shoulder into sweet freedom.

Back to the project sign-off call. We (the business team and the arts team) – have this wonderful 40-page plan. We're already seeing results from the marketing plan! We’ll celebrate! But I kept thinking what’s next for them as they implement a story that will be years in the making, a nonprofit pillar in an academic world and industry, and the years – 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016 – will tick on.

My head is a swirl matrix on matrix, the mathematics of time and space - calendars layered on calendars - as I attempt to organize the chaos of their future (and mine) into transformation. And before I know it, I want to give my sage advice to the team - but that advice is really for me. That when you work in marketing and communications, it’s easy to follow the plan and become discouraged in the midst; it’s really never done, because it’s one long conversation with the outside world, year after year, technology will change – tactics will change – you’ll rebrand and change – but the conversation marches on (it’s never done, until far into the future when the calendars cease and we are silent).

Maybe the silence of my thoughts as I stare at the dashboard. Maybe we forget to celebrate? Maybe we’ve done so much already.

Maybe this was the huge success we wished for all along.

Perhaps we rest now, with festive hats and knowing we won this one. I’ll bring the streamers and I suggest a Brut. This one is ours, and maybe I should take your offer up - yes, then. I will join you.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Adventures in DIY Indoor Container Gardening, or Why Purdue Gives Degrees in Agriculture

Since Monsanto became the target of global disdain - I, like other brave Americans generations before me—these sharecroppers and rugged ranchers—have started growing my own food. In my dining room. I call it the farm.

The farm.
I was inspired by the Manhattanite, open-source design for Windowfarms, as well as these indoor kitchen appliances than grow under counters and next to refrigerators like The Urban Cultivator. Then there is the additional inspiration from a Chicago-area company called FarmedHere, the largest commercial indoor vertical farm in the U.S.  

I thought "I could do this." But the realization came quickly that agribusiness grew into its current form because growing things requires a lot of energy and inputs—water, sun, nutrients, space— bodily effort generally saved for the gym. The whole thing quickly becomes uneconomical at the micro level.

But regardless, this is v.2 2013 container gardening—and maybe one day I will go off to the suburbs with my own garden patch out back.  But for now, my city window is my frontier. Here are my key learnings as a completely unskilled yuppie urban farmer. 

Tip #1 – You will spend far more money than you expected.

The reason agribusiness and the futures markets exist is because corporate and market efficiencies have been applied to farm land in order to produce the most amount of food possible for the lowest prices. This means growing your own food will not be cheap. You are not an agricultural corporation. Nor an agriculture scientist. I seem to have purchased many organic seeds and fine soils, and the receipts add up. However, they haven’t been marinated in Round Up, and that’s the general benefit to me. Hopefully I will become smarter; currently I’m investing about $3 per cherry tomato, making this the worst financial investment I ever made.  

Tip #2 – You probably need a grow light to back up the sun, which is OK. And it’s okay to buy one.

My Container Garden 2012 failed because of this. I’m happy with the speed at which the containers are growing this year after buying a light. The drawback is the worry that someone is mining my Amazon purchase data, or peering in my window about ready to call the cops to bust what they think could be a pot farm. But they are clearly tomatoes and peppers. I personally bought this light that was rather inexpensive, with an adjustable height and good coverage.  I really like it.  

Why is the one plant so big?
Tip #3 – The photos they run in Apartment Therapy of indoor container farms are not real.

I genuinely want some of these faux-farmers to show me a time-lapse where the end result is a successful group of crops. Note the perfect, uniform height of the plants. Now compare them to mine, which have been growing a month or two. I have no clue why one of my tomato plants decided it wants to be 5 feet tall, while the others are being pokey about the whole thing.  The bottom line is to reject directions on container farming from an interior design perspective. You’re not going to control these things. Talk to your friend who grew up on a farm and went to Purdue.

Tip #4 – Your containers are never big enough. Buy the big ones.

Continuing to challenge the home design mags, my plants immediately outgrew their containers. Even the seeds that were designed specifically for container gardening.  In my research, I ran across this container gardening blog that I really enjoyed but when you size-up the photos of plants growing in small bottles, you can see that A) clearly the plants want the heck out of those containers and B) that’s not enough food for even one urban dinner party. 
Tip #5 – No plastic containers.

Everything I planted in terra cotta grew like they were getting special after-school-tutors. Everything in plastic looks nice, but is growing very, very slowly. Given that the pots are likely made overseas with whoever knows what, go clay or natural wood.

Tip #6 – You would think bugs wouldn’t be a problem indoors, but they are. 

I don’t know, they either came in with the organic soil, or snuck in with a tomato seedling. But there were bugs, and lots of them—in my dining room and then all over the house. I used cider vinegar in small containers to attract and render them gone. Also, the cats obviously have a primal impulse to earn their keep by protecting crops. It took 5-6 days, but then they were gone. 

So, these are the core basics I’ve learned so far, as a city dweller in a flat. This is before soil quality and plant types - and all the things that truly make plants grow. There is so much to learn, hence farming is a science. As the summer continues forth, I’ll update with the progress of my investment. So far, here are minor fruits of my labor—and that’s enough to keep me moving forward with hope. 

Baby tomatoes.

JalapeƱo peppers.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Answering to Your Inner 7 Year-Old

I’ve been lucky to know amazing people.

People who can see a dilapidated Victorian crumbling on the South Side of Chicago, and restore every square inch with vision and mastery. Talents that follow them like gold dust through the world. Friends whose stories make you feel as if you’ve been given the lock combination to an armored safe of emotion, not quite discovered in human consciousness yet. And you are the first to find it.

I’ve known people who produce elaborate spectacles like movies, film festivals and art galleries. People who have built intelligence and logic that makes millions of data points move perfectly in unison across the world. Have you ever seen someone take $25,000 and turn it into $1 million, in a way no one else has thought to do it before? That person is singular and precious; their eyes sparkle over a cup of coffee while they tell you their story.

I know so many people percolating with talent, their experiences spanning across a generation or two. Now older, wiser—we’re peering over the edge to see what’s next, though we operate in what we know is an extremely fragile economic and social system.

Yet still optimism reigns over uncertainty. You’re running restaurants and companies, scheming away on creative projects. I know an inordinate number of people who are suddenly mid-career and chasing down paths to do work they love, with open hearts and clever minds.

When I was 7, I made myself a promise. Already knowing that adults often have regret and unrequited love instead of expression of action and ideas. Dreams unattained. Talents squandered.

You will never lose this. You will never lose the 7 year-old that dreams.

You throw rocks and they skip and ripple, for each a little wish.  Will I find someone to love? How interesting will my job be? Will I be a good friend? I will try to be brilliant, you say. And all the secret pacts and pinkie-swears that nestle just shy of becoming a small Peter Pan. This is how you will live your life.

Perhaps we all made promises to our inner 7 year-old. Did I grow up to be the adult I always thought I would be?  I spend my days with my imaginary friend sort of hovering near me, in the passenger seat of the car. I'm accountable and caring. I promised you.  I’ve seen the promise fulfilled in others in broad, vivid—and then sometimes subtle and integrated ways. By how they treat their own 7 year-old. Taking tap dancing in their 50s. Starting a business. Showing their paintings on the weekends. Taking pay cuts for new jobs with more joy.

My most powerful element of pride in life is stopping on the street or gazing out in a moment of caught silence, experiencing a glimpse of some infinite sky and sun thinking: “I am exactly the adult I wanted to be.”

With that I say, let's keep our 7 year-olds happy.